As we expand the pronouns that are used to best capture a person’s identity, it’s interesting to take a step back and see this as another step in being able to respectfully address someone in the fullness of who they are.

My mother was born in 1930 when so much of a woman’s identity was attached to the man she married. At age 20, she became “Mrs. Thomas Fontaine.” It was not uncommon at social gatherings for her to be introduced as such, rather than her own name. And even when I was a child, the proper way to address an envelope to a married couple was “Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Fontaine.”

I had a sister who was 16 years older than me. She moved into young adulthood in the 1970s and claimed the honorific of “Ms.” in the place of “Miss” or “Mrs.” as feminists rightly pointed out that men’s honorific didn’t change with marriage, why should women’s? My younger friends should know that for at least a couple of decades, this was controversial, with some people refusing to use it, and insisting on calling someone Miss or Mrs.

By the time I was in the working world in the 1990s, it was more acceptable to be “Ms.” though it still carried with it an assumption that those who preferred it were liberal feminists (which was just fine for many of us). Still, though, any mail sent to my husband and me was written with his first name, not mine. Mr. and Mrs. Tom Crawford. (Even by my mom, because that was “proper.”)

I had opted to change my last name to his, though at the time he offered to change his. (We still good-naturedly argue about how sincere his offer was.) My reasoning, like for many women, was around future children and not wanting it to be confusing at school. This seems funny, in retrospect, as it is such a non-issue these days. And now, with how difficult it is for women to get things like a driver’s license (because the name on your birth certificate doesn’t match your social security card or other id), I would probably make a different decision.

It never really felt like my name. It didn’t feel like me. I began using my “maiden name” (cringes at the term) as my middle name.

When I officiate at a wedding, the topic of the couple’s last names has usually been well-discussed by them, no matter the genders involved. In our progressive world, it is no longer just assumed that one will begin to go by a new name, as one remains the same. It is a decision. That’s a good thing. Many young women use “Ms.,” but I also know lesbian couples who use “Mrs.” to make it clear that they are legally married. Delicious complexity!

As we move into a world where pronouns cannot be assumed, it may be tempting to think that this is something brand new. But it’s not, it’s just the next logical step of wanting one’s public identity to be accurate.

To read more: What are personal pronouns and why do they matter?