One of the bits of wisdom from Brene Brown that I repeat often, to myself and others, is “Clear is kind.” As someone enculturated as a woman in the South, this takes a lot of work. We are taught to be unclear in how we communicate – just think of the quintessential, “Well, bless your heart,” which often means the exact opposite.

Since I preached about boundaries on Sunday, I thought I’d share some of the ones I’ve set for myself. (And I’d love to hear about yours.)

Being a creator on TikTok that focuses on Unitarian Universalism, I’ve had to set up boundaries as I’ve gone along. “Blocking” someone means that they can no longer you see your account (and they, yours.) I block people frequently. Often, it’s just because I surmise they are either a bot or a professional troll. Other reasons are: if they are abusive about marginalized groups of people, if they are trying to use my platform to sell something, if they are misogynist. But about a year in, I also had to think through “what about blocking other Unitarian Universalists?” And from that, I came to my “no triangulating” cause for blocking. If someone wants to complain about another UU church or has another axe to grind, my platform is not the appropriate place for that, and they’ll be blocked, on TikTok or Facebook.

Real life is a different animal, of course, as there, I’m creating and sustaining relationships, and want to stay connected to others. And I think this gets to the real heart of boundaries – how to stay connected, but in a boundaried way, becoming clear about what we’re willing to do, and what we’re not willing to do.

As talked about in the sermon, boundaries are not about controlling another person,* they are about self-control. For example, my day off is Monday. I already have one boundary in place, that I don’t check my email that day, and am available for church-related issues only in case of emergency. Another boundary is that there are just too many ways to communicate one-on-one and I can’t keep up. So the “DMs” on my social media accounts are rarely checked. If you want to reach me, email is the best way.

But I’m realizing I need another boundary for myself. I can tell that political news constantly washing over me is raising my anxiety and having a negative impact on my creativity and sense of perspective. So I’m going to experiment with having a total social media/news sabbath on Monday.

In healthy relationships, a boundary is more a fence with a gate than an impenetrable wall. When I block someone on social media, it’s not in the context of a healthy relationship (99.9% of the time, there is no relationship at all). With healthy relationships, we set boundaries, but we also stay connected. And I believe we come to appreciate when the other person communicates a clear boundary with us. We don’t have to guess about what they want. (For instance, two of my children have explicit boundaries against posting any photos of them without their permission. Absolutely fair.)

What are the boundaries you set for yourself that help you live a more manageable life?

* The goal of not controlling another person is in the context of fully-functioning adults. If you are responsible for a child, or for an adult who cannot make their own decisions, there are times when control is required – for instance, if a toddler tries to run into the street.